How To Conquer A Gaslighter At Work
Just about everybody’s dealt with some form of manipulation at work. It’s not specific to gender, race, or lifestyle preference. We are all in survival mode; it’s the human condition.
Gaslighting in the workplace is incredibly common. Most of us will encounter it at some point and be forced to learn how to deal. The first thing to do if this happens to you is to learn to be patient. You are going to feel a lot of emotions, and it’s imperative to give yourself time to process and evaluate what’s going on. You’ll experience confusion, frustration, anger. Your offender is counting on this. Emotion is powerful. It can either help or hurt you. So before anything else, get yourself into a private space where you can stop for a couple minutes and calm down.
Isolation
People who use gaslighting as manipulation are going to try and isolate their target. If there are no witnesses to what they say, do, or demand of you, there is no evidence anything is happening. Being isolated allows the opportunity for control, and your perception of the situation is going to be remote and separated from anyone else’s. If there are no texts, recordings or any evidence of wrongdoing, it becomes very hard to prove manipulation later when things finally get out of control. If your gut is giving you a red flag about a coworker or manager, then start building hard evidence of every conversation you have. New relationships always start out looking innocent, and we tend to blow off red flags. Get into the habit of demanding people earn your trust—don’t just give it away.
Caste Strategy
Those who feel socially vulnerable are easier to manipulate. For this reason, gaslighting more commonly happens in an unequal social relationship. There’s a big power imbalance; one person will tend to be more popular, more wealthy, or have a higher status in the company than the other. Even race, sex, age, or disability can become that distinction that initiates a loss of footing. Power disparity can arise from just about any division of social order. Your enemy will use this in the hopes that your upbringing or status within the company will keep you from asking questions. You have to execute good body posture, learn to use your words wisely, and refrain from giving away your suspicions. Be quiet, but be aware. And remember that silent body language dictates how people treat you.
If you do your job well, others will notice.
Go out of your way to build relationships with other people and network as often as possible. This will make it much harder to isolate you. Don’t reveal personal stories about yourself, and don’t impulsively leap into believing you’re friends with someone you don’t know well. Keep your words short, do what is necessary, and never go off topic. Do your best at what you’ve been asked. Even though it seems nobody is paying attention, people are always paying attention. And someone is going to notice you aside from this rival who’s trying to push you down.
Stop trying to explain yourself.
Never try to reason with a gaslighter. It’s a waste of time. Baiting you into an argument is something gaslighters love to do. Their whole goal is to make you look emotional and incapable. When you feel baited, don’t engage. Find a second to calm down and continue to do your job. Keep documenting what’s going on to the best of your ability. Try to guide your conversations with this person in public places when you can, and keep every text message and email. In some states, it’s perfectly legal to record phone conversations without asking the other person’s permission. Look into it, and know your rights.
This may all seem a bit extreme and edging on paranoia, but gaslighting is a very serious (and usually unpunished) crime. Yes, it’s criminal. Maybe not on the books, but anything that is intended to destroy your relationships and your reputation is not to be taken lightly. The business world, especially the music industry, is filled with cut-throat competition. In order to build networks with the best people and gain notoriety, you have to learn to be strong.
A paramount concern: If the manipulation you're suffering starts to border on illegal, then you have to make a decision to tell the right person. This is not tattling or betrayal. It is protection from becoming a pawn in a setup. If it gets to this point, you need to re-evaluate the job and the people involved. No job is important enough to ruin your life in the false belief that you have to "pay your dues". Allowing abuse is not paying dues. It's letting people know they can use you.
No one can modify your behavior if you are comfortable in who you are, you retain a strong belief in your own convictions, and you keep moving forward. Insecurity is the biggest vulnerability you can possibly have in a work situation. Trust your instincts, keep challenging yourself, and become the best person you can be. Remember—those who use gaslighting as a way to compete are the lowest standing people in that community. Everyone will see and recognize it at some point. And if you've kept your wits this long, you'll be able to watch them fall.
